just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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