Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
