just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
