just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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