I wish you could order shots online.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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