in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
