so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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