I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
