Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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