You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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