Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
