There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
