Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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