FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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