so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
