Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Where did you get a picture of my penis
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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