Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
