Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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