your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
