She said her name was "party"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
