at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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