my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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