i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
