I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
