Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
