I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
