He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
