Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
