I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
