So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
