and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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