Only a mothe r could love this liver
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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