he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
