I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
