its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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