I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
