God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
