Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
