Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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