This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
