Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
