On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
