My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
