Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Every concussion has its silver lining
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
