Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
