I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
