The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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