I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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