I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
