I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
