I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
