i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
